As we approach the final week of this year, I decided to make a post regarding what went through in my life, what I’ve been feeling emotionally, and how my spiritual life was throughout the year. I hope this can be a blessing to any that reads this post.

It was a difficult year: Aside from the COVID-19 pandemic, this year took a toll on me. To be honest, I’ve been burned out and I have felt fatigued many times throughout 2020. My mom passed away on November 16th after a year long battle with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. When she was first diagnosed, I literally stopped or lessened everything which including my work, my dating life, my ministry, etc. I had to and desired to do so because I loved my mom and I wanted to be there every step of the way to help her fight this horrendous disease. It wasn’t easy. Every hospital appointment, doctor’s meeting, blood work, I was there. When she was hospitalized for a week back in December 2019, I slept at the hospital every day. When she was hospitalized again for the entire month of October, I was at Providence Little Company of Mary every single day from 8am to 8pm (limited hours due to COVID-19) to the point that every front desk I encountered at the hospital knew my name and who I was visiting. I guess it was a blessing because at some point I didn’t even have to check with the front desk in the morning.

After my mom passed away, there were some difficulties of adjusting. I realized I was trying to cope in many ways to “distract” me. I’ve recognized that most recently and have been trying to let my emotions simply go through it’s cycle allowing me to grieve and adjust. It’s not easy. There are moments when I wake up in the middle of the night because of a dream. There are moments when I am alone or driving alone where a thought would come across and it would make me teary-eyed. I don’t want to get distracted or put distractions in front. I’ve been trying to let them run through and then give my emotions to the Lord.

So yes, if I’m being totally transparent, it is not easy and it still isn’t.

It was worth it. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not. I do not regret any decision I made regarding my time with mom. I enjoyed every moment with her. Someone from church got my mom and I a journal called “Mommy and Son” and we were able to get through the journal together. It was fun asking mom questions regarding her past and her current views. She enjoyed getting my answers to some of her prompts. I would do all that all over again.

Realizations: I’ve recognized a few aspects of my personal life that I’ve never been able to see until now. First, I realize who my closest friends are. There are about 8 of them where if I were in need of something, I can call them anytime and they will be there for me. I think the event that opened my eyes to this was the period of time when my mom was in hospice, when she passed, and during her funeral.

Aside from that, I’ve also recognized I need to work on some personality changes. I’m afraid to tell how I really feel towards others. This can be related to friendships or dating. I’ve been fearful of how others would react. In a way, I guess you can call it people-pleasing. I want to change that this upcoming year. It doesn’t mean I want to be blunt or rough but at least share how I truly feel. This is a part of honesty and integrity in my opinion.

To add on the previous paragraph, I also realized I need to be honest with self. There are some areas I would like to work on. I’ve begun to work with a Christian therapist for my mental health, it has been a true blessing. I would highly recommend therapy if you are able to find a good one. There is nothing taboo or wrong about seeking help. Even if you don’t feel like you need one I would recommend it to help with your own self-care and growth. I am a Christian and I seek to grow in Christ daily, therefore I’ve decided to go with a Christian therapist that aligns with me doctrinally.

My faith has grown and changed: This year, I’ve come to a personal moment of revival within my faith. Sometimes in our lives, we can be repetitious with our Bible reading, devotional prayer, church, ministry, etc. I wasn’t careful and unfortunately I became calloused and did some of that out of habit rather than trying to grow within my faith. This year changed all that. I would say my relationship with God has grown this year than ever before. I want to continue to rely on the Lord. He is our refuge and will provide for us. We must continue to seek Him first in everything (Matthew 6:33) and obey His commandments. My faith and prayer life has changed. To be honest, prior to this year, my prayer was always selfish and involved more requests for self rather than seeking the Lord. This year, it was more about what God’s will is and the prayer to seek God’s will and trust in it. Instead of praying for “allow this to happen” it was more of a “God, allow Your will and help us to trust in what You have for us, regardless of the outcome.” I truly believe this has been instrumental in helping me during the past few months as my mom neared her death. In summary, I am thankful to the Lord for His peace and comfort He gives in times of difficulty and a prayer request is that I would continue to seek Him in all things including refuge in moments of difficulty.

In summary, what did I learn that can help:

• Seek the Lord first. This includes trusting in God’s will and praying that God’s will be done. Too many times, we want our own way and God to meet our requests. (Matthew 6:33) I’d suggest we seek what God wants and what His will is regarding our life and regarding certain situations.
• Be honest with self and with others, share with those you can trust. Don’t deceive yourself or others. Don’t put up a front. Be yourself and be honest with how you feel. If you are sad, you are sad. If you are happy, you are happy. When people ask if you’re doing okay, be honest with them and if need be, seek help. If they offer you help, it is okay to accept their help. (Romans 12:15) Sometimes we let our pride kick in and prevent others from helping us.
• Take a time of rest. Sometimes you need to get away. Sabbath and rest is biblical. God took time to rest (Genesis 2:3). Once again, I’ve learned that pride will kick in and deceive us by saying that we do not need rest. We are humans and we all need rest. This will prevent fatigue or burnouts.
• When it comes to friendships: quality, not quantity. I’d rather count on a few friends that are reliable, godly, and good people instead of seeking to have the most friends, followers, etc. This year, I’m thankful I have a good close circle of friends I’ve known for over 10 years (all 8 of them). All of them were there at my mom’s memorial and burial service. They are people I can truly count on. (Proverbs 27:17) If I have those 8, that is all I need. I don’t need more friends, I just need them. I would say you should keep close friends first rather than seeking to make more friends. Of course, the greatest friend is in Christ Jesus.
• Therapy that does not conflict with the Bible is not wrong. I understand there are some strange forms of therapy out there but when you get help for your mental health and it does not conflict with Scripture, it is perfectly fine to gain a better understanding of yourself through professional help. This is fairly new in most Christian circles and I would advise to seek counsel prior to seeking therapy.
• You are not a robot, you have emotions. Before I tried to hold everything in and I recognize that was not healthy. Aside from my personal devotion with the Lord, I am willing to share my emotional feelings with those I am close with and with those I would seek godly counsel from (Proverbs 11:14).
• Recognize difficult times will come but don’t be afraid. No trial or temptation will be too difficult for you to not be able to handle. (1 Corinthians 10:13). Don’t be afraid and trust in God even through periods of difficulties.

If you ever need to talk about anything, please contact me anytime.